does it hurt in your heart like it hurts me?

i'm sleeping cuddled against a giant teddy to get me through the nights.

i miss you and i hate the fact you kept going like we did just drifting away from real life like they did. 

now we're apart and you're more social again and stopped working out like you used to because i know that workout gave you an excuse to get away from me and why the fuck didn't you just end it earlier than me pressuring you to do some work in our relationship.

oh that's right cause your a fucking asshole and would rather watch me be happy at whatever cost that was to you but really you just made me more miserable and now i'm just torn and broken.

god, i'm a fool.

the highlight of today is jumping on to my grades for university and realizing I passed my summer paper of bullshit with a b.

however under that I am actually really sad and pissed off today.

you see, our mutual friend forgot to put me on the invite list for a presentation i'm attending next week. as in, she managed to forget to drop my invite into my letterbox. 

me, of all fucking people. the one who has been with these girls for most of their lead up to their awards.

so right now i'm close to not even bothering to return to the organisation anytime soon, because it seems i'm replaceable and easily forgotten, and i'm just another body in a room.

but on the contrary, I HOPE TO SOME HIGHER BEING, this isn't because of you.

if she's being a pathetic little bitch and tried excluding me from something very important simply for the fact that you and i broke up then she needs to learn to grow up.

but that's not the bit that makes me cry.

that's not what keeps me up at night thinking.

it's that i'm probably going to be replaced by her and if I see you two together, i will probably turn around and walk the other way in tears.

yeah, she's probably much better for you. 

a kid of hers that you technically have no responsibility for, has no job as far as i'm aware and lives with her parents. 

but she can give you so much more because she's not me.

because she won't fight for the relationship like I did, she will just go along with it and you two will get along fine like you always have.

now i just want to curl up and cry because that's the ugly truth and i can't take that.

the ugly truth is you didn't want to fight for us and that's the worst part of it all.

i'm writing again;

sometimes you can't say what's going on to a specific person,

you just have to tell anyone and everyone because it's the only way to get it out.